Resolution!

This is a post by Jo/Jelly.

Hello internet!  I know I am a couple days late, but Happy New Year!

This post revolves around my 2017 resolution.  This year, I have decided to take my resolution quite seriously.  Not that I haven’t before, but I have realized lately that I have an opportunity to make a change for the better and it is something I desperately need to change.

Throughout the past year, I have realized I have a major issue with confidence.  This has been a huge problem my entire life.  For some reason, I look around and see all these hard working people who have everything together and when I look at myself all I see is this garbage lady.  Covered in brownie crumbs.

Why do I feel this way?  I don’t know.  I am obsessed with comparing myself to others.  I believe it began when I was quite young.  I have an extremely talented family, my parents and siblings are amazing artists.  I think being raised in such an artistic household was incredibly inspiring, but for me it could get somewhat overwhelming.  I would look at what my family was capable of doing and compare it to my own talents.  To me, I should be better.  I don’t want you to think my family is to blame for my lack of confidence- they have been so incredibly supportive and helpful, I just got stuck comparing.

Going through school was similar.  I watched my classmates continue to get better grades more and more often.  After a while you just have to assume they are smarter.  Maybe I am lazy and I could just try harder.  Or, whenever I would succeed it was because so and so did whatever and that’s why- not because I earned it.  At least that’s what I would tell myself.

There have been times where I have found self confidence and I felt like I blossomed.  At camp I felt like I could be myself and I was accepted.  When I started college, I again felt like I could be myself.  Where did this confidence come from?  Honestly, a lack of caring.  I stopped caring what people thought.  Stopped caring and I felt free.

However, towards my last year at camp and college, I grew anxious.  I felt like people were getting sick of me.  I watched reactions as I entered a room.  I felt unwanted.   I wasn’t invited places.  I lost friends and through panicking I lost more.  It’s like once I began feeling this way I lost control and it got worse and worse.  I look back at those two experiences and wish I could give it a redo.

As a result, I feel even more guarded. I am so afraid of annoying people.  I look at the lack of friends I have from my past and it shows me that I am not worthy of friendship, or it is going to happen again.  I am afraid of getting too close to people.  It is a miracle I have Eric.  So I have to be doing something right to have a dude like him, right?  I also have friends here in Gladwin.  Go me!

So, long story short… I have confidence issues.  I do not see myself in a positive light.  I think WAY to much about what other people may be thinking.  And for realz y’all- it has to stop.  Now that I have Iris, I don’t want her to grow up this way.  I believe I need to become a strong role model, so that brings me to my new years resolution.

In 2017, I will be confident.  I will stop thinking about what other people are thinking.  I will love me for me, and if you don’t you can suck it.

How will I do this?  I will fake it til’ I make it.  I watched a Ted Talk and some lady was talking about faking it til you make it and how powerful it is.  So I am going to try it.  I will also do things I want to do and not think about what others may think of it.  Want to dye my hair?  DO IT.  WHO CARES?  And honestly, no one really probably actually cares.  Want to wear heels?  DOOOO IT.  Want to quit my job and become a clown?  YES BUT IT’S NOT PRACTICAL RIGHT NOW SO, NO.  Want to eat all the brownies?   Ooops… I already did.

I will start doing things for me and not ask what other’s think.  I am no longer going to depend on other people’s opinions to form my own.  I am going to accept that I am smart, I am funny, I am confident.

So look out 2017, Jo IS GONNA BE CONFIDENT!

*Oh and I was totally about to write how I hate writing posts like these because I don’t want you guys to think I  am fishing for compliments… and then I stopped because I thought it was funny that I immediately became worried about what others would think.  Then I thought it would be funny to share with you now.  So hey if you think I am fishing for compliments then WHATEVER I DON’T CARE.  Boom.  Resolution-ed.